Archive | Relationships RSS feed for this section

My Pre-30 Blues

7 Sep

December 15th is coming fast and while this day is just an ordinary day for most, its the day where I celebrate another year of life.  This year I will celebrate turning the big 3-0.

I think the biggest dread I have about turning 30 is that I’m still single and child-less and 2012 will mark the 10th anniversary of my time in singledom. Can I just be honest? It stinks.

I know I should be happy and enjoy this time in my life, but 10 years sure is a long time.  I feel like God has forgotten all about me in this area of my life. Like I’m drowning in a pool and he is the lifeguard looking down too busy to save me. And when I see all the wonderful pictures of  my friends and family in relationships, getting married and having children,  I can’t help but wonder if it will ever be me. Right now, it doesn’t feel like it ever will.

Recently a former classmate mentioned that it’s time for me to start having babies. The only problem with that theory is that I’m not looking for just a sperm donor. I want a husband. When people say stuff like that they don’t realize its really not helpful.

Turning 30 makes me realize that realistically I have about 10-15 years left to safely carry and give birth to a child.  I know people are having children well into their 50’s, but honestly who wants to be 70 when their child is graduating from high school?

I wonder sometimes if I just need to face the reality that I may have to  either settle for just some man  or be content living life all alone. Part of me just wants to shut my heart off completely and just make the decision for myself to be alone. That seems like an easy answer, but I’d just be lying to myself. Its difficult when your heart wants something that feels so far away.  Even though I want to give up all hope that love will ever happen for me, I still have hope. I don’t want to become so jaded by the lack of love that I miss out on what’s in front of me.

The difficult part about being a go-getter is realizing there are some areas of life that you simply can’t control. The question is, can you accept that in life there will be things you can’t control?

Singles: What works for you when you feel down about your love-life?

If you’re in a relationship: What was it that worked for you? How did you meet that special person and what advice would you give to others who are looking?


Appreciating the process

24 Jan

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketI’m the type who believes you have to go after what you want; Nothing in life is simply given to you.

What I didn’t know is these same rules just don’t always apply when it comes to affairs of the heart.

I know first hand what its like to try to wrangle the heart of a “potential”  – what I call the guy who has just everything I want and he could potentially be the one. I like to believe I’m open and that I keep it real, but the fact is I’m scared to really let my guard down and be vulnerable to something new and different.  There’s a little bit of barbed wire around my heart and its there to protect me from ever truly believing that I could be someone’s girlfriend or their wife. I’ve been out of the dating scene for so long I cringe at the thought of my last real relationship – 9 years ago this year! Really, that was almost as long ago as the last time I was physically active (some correlation, right?).

Someone told me recently that I over-think things. Another friend said I always plan things and need to learn to relax. Okay, I hear that. I respect it. The problem is how do you turn it off? Learning how to turn your work life off in your personal life is something I just haven’t grasped yet. It’s not that I couldn’t see what they meant, I just didn’t understand what the harm was in knowing what you want and going after it. There are things I want to know and to do and I’ve been pretty successful this far in life at going after them, somehow, along the way, my fear of commitment has turned into cynicism and my inquisitive mind was turning me into someone who was inconsiderate and selfish.  I see now my questions and actions were mental sabotage. I just couldn’t believe someone would be interested in me without trying to get something from me physically.  Before today I just wasn’t getting it. And then it happened to me.

A few months ago I joined an online dating web site. Some girlfriends of mine were going on and on about the men they met, so I figured why not join too. After weeks of no e-mails and no real interest suddenly my e-mail box is buzzing with activity. I blush thinking of my last e-mail declaring I “caught his eye” and how refreshing it was to meet a down to earth woman like myself.   The other messages I’ve received have been equally nice, but today’s e-mail really took the cake. I just had to laugh out loud because it was exactly the type of e-mail I would have sent to someone I’m interested in. It was the weirdest thing!

His e-mail was a barrage of questions with no real substance. He wanted to know when was my last date and when was my  last “meet and greet”?  When was my last serious and committed relationship?  Did I want to exchange telephone numbers? Right off the bat my initial response was ‘whoa , whoa wait a minute!’ I don’t even know where to begin answering all of his questions and honesty I don’t think I will. It’s just too much.. too calculated and impersonal; all of the things that could describe how I was.  I guess what really bothered me was just this feeling of being rushed. What ever happened to enjoying the moment? Why rush?

I don’t want to rush any more or plan it..I just want to enjoy the ride.  I don’t want a microwave career and I certainly don’t want a microwave relationship. Just like with food, sometimes the best recipes take time to perfect.  I don’t want to miss out on those opportunities where God is trying to mess up my plan to get me to see His. I do have time to enjoy my life and to watch things evolve before my eyes. And it will happen. My faith is increasing everyday. I love the quote that says,  ” I have the time to take my time.”  I’m learning.

What will you accept?

11 Jun

Today I had the notion to text a male friend who I hadn’t heard from in a few weeks. After spending time together and getting to know one another it was my understanding he was dealing with some family crisis issues. But the issues seemed to come back to back. Next thing I know he’s texting me that he ended up in the hospital himself. I was definitely sorry to hear this, but a bit baffled and perturbed that during this time he decided not to contact me. He decided to deal with his issues and I was basically an after thought. Well today after a standard good morning text, my next move was to really let him have it. I complained about how I worried and how it would have been nice to hear from him. The next thing I said was his actions made me feel like I was just the girl of the week. And you know what he said to me, wow what does that say about you?

What will you accept?

His question took some of the fire out of my argument. As rude and unexpected as his statement was, in a way he was right. I think it was Oprah who said we teach people how to treat us. What was I teaching him about how to treat me? If he decided to deal with his issues and not involve me then I should have been applauding those efforts. If I never hear from him again, well then I wish him well. I was willing to accept the lack of communication and just move on to when am I going to see you again? Really, I should have been ready to leave him alone. So many more men out there to meet.  Why invite drama in my already busy life?

The question I had to ask myself is – what will I accept? How am I teaching people how to treat me? If I accept the okey doke and just go along with the flow when I’m really feeling neglected and abused inside then I’m not truly honoring myself. And really, with no children and no obligations, this single life is the perfect time for me to honor myself. Not in a selfish way, but then again, what’s wrong with being a little selfish right now? I heard a speaker once say women apologize way too much in business. I would have to say in our personal lives as well.  Why are we apologizing for living our lives to the best of our ability? 

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of apologizing in my actions and in my words. I won’t accept the okey doke any longer. If he doesn’t call or communicate then I will leave him alone. I will resist the urge to wonder what happened, to say I miss you and all the other stuff that makes me cringe with disbelief on the inside. Miss what? Do you even care about him after he hasn’t contacted you in weeks? And if so why? Not at all saying be mean or rude, but be firm. Stand on your ground and know you deserve better. If something is happening in his life that prevents him from contacting you then let him go deal with that. No need to follow up.

If you’re important to him, he will figure out a way to make you matter. That’s the one thing I’ve learned.. men will do what they have to do to show how they feel for you.

So, in matters of love and relationships, what will you accept?