Appreciating the process

24 Jan

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketI’m the type who believes you have to go after what you want; Nothing in life is simply given to you.

What I didn’t know is these same rules just don’t always apply when it comes to affairs of the heart.

I know first hand what its like to try to wrangle the heart of a “potential”  – what I call the guy who has just everything I want and he could potentially be the one. I like to believe I’m open and that I keep it real, but the fact is I’m scared to really let my guard down and be vulnerable to something new and different.  There’s a little bit of barbed wire around my heart and its there to protect me from ever truly believing that I could be someone’s girlfriend or their wife. I’ve been out of the dating scene for so long I cringe at the thought of my last real relationship – 9 years ago this year! Really, that was almost as long ago as the last time I was physically active (some correlation, right?).

Someone told me recently that I over-think things. Another friend said I always plan things and need to learn to relax. Okay, I hear that. I respect it. The problem is how do you turn it off? Learning how to turn your work life off in your personal life is something I just haven’t grasped yet. It’s not that I couldn’t see what they meant, I just didn’t understand what the harm was in knowing what you want and going after it. There are things I want to know and to do and I’ve been pretty successful this far in life at going after them, somehow, along the way, my fear of commitment has turned into cynicism and my inquisitive mind was turning me into someone who was inconsiderate and selfish.  I see now my questions and actions were mental sabotage. I just couldn’t believe someone would be interested in me without trying to get something from me physically.  Before today I just wasn’t getting it. And then it happened to me.

A few months ago I joined an online dating web site. Some girlfriends of mine were going on and on about the men they met, so I figured why not join too. After weeks of no e-mails and no real interest suddenly my e-mail box is buzzing with activity. I blush thinking of my last e-mail declaring I “caught his eye” and how refreshing it was to meet a down to earth woman like myself.   The other messages I’ve received have been equally nice, but today’s e-mail really took the cake. I just had to laugh out loud because it was exactly the type of e-mail I would have sent to someone I’m interested in. It was the weirdest thing!

His e-mail was a barrage of questions with no real substance. He wanted to know when was my last date and when was my  last “meet and greet”?  When was my last serious and committed relationship?  Did I want to exchange telephone numbers? Right off the bat my initial response was ‘whoa , whoa wait a minute!’ I don’t even know where to begin answering all of his questions and honesty I don’t think I will. It’s just too much.. too calculated and impersonal; all of the things that could describe how I was.  I guess what really bothered me was just this feeling of being rushed. What ever happened to enjoying the moment? Why rush?

I don’t want to rush any more or plan it..I just want to enjoy the ride.  I don’t want a microwave career and I certainly don’t want a microwave relationship. Just like with food, sometimes the best recipes take time to perfect.  I don’t want to miss out on those opportunities where God is trying to mess up my plan to get me to see His. I do have time to enjoy my life and to watch things evolve before my eyes. And it will happen. My faith is increasing everyday. I love the quote that says,  ” I have the time to take my time.”  I’m learning.


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